Dårlig Pornofilm, or, Curse You, Doc Films!

I bought a quarter-long pass for Doc Films, the University of Chicago's student-run cinema. After seeing tonight's offering, I feel I've been had...or maybe I'm just a colossal dumbass. You decide.

As part of their "Cinematic Sexualities in the 21st Century" series, Doc Films showed one called All About Anna. It's a 2005 film made by the same company that produces the work of Lars von Trier. What's more, tonight's showing was advertised as the North American premiere! I figured, any movie that gets a premiere, even at lowly Doc Films, has got to be worth seeing. I expected something along the lines of Last Tango in Paris or Eyes Wide Shut: plenty of fucking...but with, you know, artistic merit and all.

What's more, All About Anna was made in Denmark. "Sweet!" I thought. "As an added bonus, my Scandinavian language skills will get a nice workout!"

First disappointment: the film was dubbed. Badly.

A plot synopsis. Anna, a Scandinavian blonde, says farewell to her lover, Johan. He's going on a fishing trip up in the Arctic Circle that's supposed to last three months, but she doesn't hear from him at all for the next five years. To forget her loss, she indulges herself in a decadent life of fun and fancy free. She meets a new man, and they have sex while painting a room in their new apartment. Suddenly, Johan makes an appearance. Anna and Johan have sex in the laundry room. Then, Anna gets a female roommate. The roommate has sex with a guy named Arthur. Anna gets a job in Paris making costumes; while she's away, Johan moves in with the roommate, who gives him head. Meanwhile, in Paris, Anna is having her first lesbian encounter with a dark-haired French lady.

Around this time I began to get suspicious. Surely, this movie had to be going somewhere, I thought.

And then, I made the traumatic, yet inevitable, realization: "Wait a second!...guh...NOOO!!! This isn't a real movie at all! It's the European equivalent of one of those dumbass soft-core straight-to-video Playboy pieces of shit!!!"

And so it was. Anna comes back to Copenhagen and she and Johan have one last Big Bang to finish off the film.

And thus, Doc Films, you have completely wasted a perfectly good Thursday evening. I'll never forgive you.